| This is the article sent out in my Free Monthly Newsletter last month. For some reason, it did not post to this blog correctly, so here you go. It is a closer look at the Perfect or Proper Melancholy personality. (The BLUE one for those of you who learn in colors.) If you are not familiar with The Personalities, please visit my website and take the FREE 5-minute online personality assessment.
The Melancholy Personality While the Sanguine personality type is the most obvious to identify, the Melancholy is the second most obvious as they are in stark contrast to the Sanguine. As you read, try to identify the melancholy in your life, understanding that you cannot change them. However, you can change your approach to them in order to improve your relationship. If you identify yourself as Melancholy consider how you can best live in the avenue of your strengths and what steps you need to take to overcome and break through your weaknesses. Don’t be fooled, your weaknesses will get in the way of you reaching your greatest potential. The worst thing you can do is conclude, “Well, that’s just the way I am.” We are ALL a work in progress. Here are 7 main points for you to know and expect about the Perfect or Proper Melancholy personality: 1) Admirable reservation. Melancholies are quiet, controlled, polite, detailed and introverted. They generally dress in a modest/conservative style and are neatly groomed, starched and sprayed. Not only do they have naturally quiet voices, they also only speak and share on a need-to-know basis. They value privacy and are content to keep to themselves. Unlike the sanguine, they do not feel the need to share and expose all of their personal information and thoughts. What a blessing! 2) Attention to detail. It seems the melancholy thinks of everything. These intellectuals help the group see long-term goals. They are the most organized of all the personality types having a place for everything and keeping everything in its place. They know when someone has touched their belongings. Melancholies are great planners and live by their schedules, incorporating all important and minor details into their overall strategies. They like using lists, charts and graphs as guides. I admire their ability to catch and prevent mistakes; however, too much attention to detail can become overwhelming to others and delay progress. It is important for the melancholy to learn to overlook items that may not be necessary for overall success. 3) Attempts at perfection. A Melancholy’s basic desire in life and motivation for doing most everything is to attain perfection. Whether it be in relationships, work projects, or domestic duties, the melancholy aims to do things the right way. They have very high standards and expectations for most everything. This desire explains why they prefer to work alone. After all, someone else will likely mess up the plan or do something the wrong way. This can make it very difficult to work alongside a melancholy personality type if you are not melancholy. Unrealistic expectations can make the melancholy very hard to please and add intense pressure to relationships. When things go imperfectly, the melancholy becomes the victim. 4) Admiration for magnificence. Because the melancholy is so detail oriented, they often have a deep appreciation for nature and its beauty. Many melancholies are super talented and creative, often artistic or musical. They are high achievers because of their self-discipline and desire for perfection. Generally, they strive to perfect their craft for the love of the art, rather than for the applause of an audience or to perform. Intense introspection may cause them to retreat or seem off in another world as they ponder and dream about ideals. 5) Attitude of compassion. Melancholy’s are naturally deeply concerned for others. They are very sensitive and often moved to tears with compassion. They are faithful and devoted companions although they generally hold back affection and are insecure in social environments. While they may feel for others, they rarely share those feelings and hesitate to reach out and take action, fearing they will not do the right thing and embarrass themselves. 6) Assumption in relationships. I already noted the melancholy’s desire for perfection. They exercise great caution in making friends because they are natural skeptics who are suspicious of the intentions of others. In relationships, melancholy’s are often seen as moody or depressed because they carry a dark cloud of disappointment when they do not agree with the actions or decisions of others. If a melancholy does not make a conscious decision to be positive, they may become critical, antagonistic and vengeful. They never forget an offense. 7) Altering emotions. Like the Sanguine, the melancholy is emotional. However, the Sanguine has extremely high highs and rare lows which are usually short-lived. In contrast, the Melancholy has extremely low lows and rare highs which are usually short-lived. To obtain and maintain emotional health, Melancholies need sensitivity and understanding, support when down, space and times of silence – meaning no people. I have found that the best thing you can do for the melancholy in your life, if you are not melancholy, is to slow down, sit down and shut up. Allow them to be immersed in their pain; don’t ignore them, but don’t try to jolly them up. My challenge to you this month is that you take these seven things, one for each day of each week this month, and think about how you can use the information to build up your Melancholy relationships. They key will be actually doing something with the information. Perhaps you need to have a conversation laced with understanding, send an encouraging note or e-mail, relocate your Melancholy to a role that better suits them, or simply thank them for their help and attention to detail. Or, if you are Melancholy, consider how you can make better decisions to change your bad habits, attitudes and communication style for a better you this month. Remember, healthy relationships make for a happier, healthier more productive life. And besides that, people are worth it. |
Lady Gaga & Oprah
So, I just watched a recent interview Oprah did with Lady Gaga on her new series Oprah’s Next Chapter. I feel an urgent need to respond in some way and this blog was my first thought. In the interview, Oprah, in typical fashion, is trying to get to the “real” Gaga and understand who she is and what she wants in life. The truth is, Lady Gaga is as she appears; creative, strange, bizarre, famous, wealthy, and disturbed. I am not a Lady Gaga fan for the simple fact that she is too vulgar for me. However, I can respect her hard work and genuine talent and I do enjoy listening to a song or two. However, my personal opinion of Lady Gaga is not important to this post.
What is important is what she, and Oprah, had to say about her new foundation, Born that Way. The episode shows various clips from Gaga and Oprah’s launch of the foundation at Harvard University. Obviously, the combination of these three platforms –- Oprah Winfrey, Lady Gaga and Harvard University –- drew a huge crowd and media attention. I have no doubt the message of the foundation will spread like wildfire. When people with so much fame speak, people listen and minds are influenced. The message of the foundation is one of anti-bullying, acceptance, and encouraging youth to embrace who they are with the understanding that they were “born that way” and they should love themselves, not caring about what anyone else thinks for the purpose of their happiness.
Sounds good, right? I mean who in their right mind is pro-bullying or all for people hating themselves? No one.
While listening to the interview, you certainly get the impression that Lady Gaga fully believes and embraces her message. I could never label her as a hypocrite, she practices what she preaches. There is nothing Gaga is not willing to do or try or say if and when she feels like it. It is clear that this message defines her; she is whoever she wants to be, with no limits and nothing holding her back. Gaga and her mother attribute her worldwide fame and success to this creative freedom and share touching stories of cruel experiences Gaga had as a teen who was bullied.
However, everything we believe and live out has consequences. It is a simple fact. Gaga has lived fully in her belief and her extreme creativity has made her a superstar around the world. But, there is always more than meets the eye. When someone incredibly famous starts spreading a message that thousands are going to hear, I listen and consider the impact. And I believe there is a fundamental flaw and a contradiction in her message that will lead many down a path of destruction.
Here is where I get confused, Gaga is quick to admit she is not perfect, in fact she says no one is perfect. I agree. But, think about what she is saying.
If we accept and believe that we are not perfect, then how do we spread the message that we are born perfectly fine and we should embrace who we are? Which is it, Lady Gaga? If you are not perfect, then can you please explain which part of you is wrong? Is it the profanity, the half-nakedness, the sexually charged choreography, the alcohol binges, the days you refuse to make contact with family and worry them sick, or something else that makes you imperfect? According to Gaga all of these things I just mentioned are the results of her creative process. There is nothing “wrong” with any of it. In fact, her own mother said the only thing she doesn’t like is when Stephanie curses in public. But, she goes on to surrender to the fact that cursing is just a part of who Lady Gaga is, so it’s okay. So, even her mother agrees, there is nothing actually wrong with anything. Why then does Gaga think she is not perfect? How does she define what is okay and what is not? Call me crazy, but this makes no logical sense.
My fear is that if we teach youngsters that there is nothing wrong with them, then is anything they desire or any behavior actually wrong? How do you even make a case for positive change or personal development? How do we determine rules at school and enforce them? How do we parent? Should there even be rules or should we just let everyone do as they please, if and when and how they feel like it because it makes them happy? Imagine. This is the world Lady Gaga is trying to create.
You see, when we lose the ability to define right and wrong, we become very confused, messed up individuals.
The truth is no one is born perfect and, yes, we know it. We are all born with natural tendencies to do wrong. Think back to when your first-born child was six months old and decided to slap you in the face. Babies are inclined to assert themselves when you refuse to give them what they want. They are “born that way”. My four-year old son is highly competitive and is inclined to run you over if he thinks you are going to win his race. He would rather see you bleed than win. He was “born that way”. Many a man has been born with a temper or felt inclined to dominate every situation in his life, it makes him happy to control women and children in whatever way he sees fit. Many a woman has been born with a desire to feel attractive and has obsessively destroyed her body trying to achieve her desired look. She was “born that way”.
Being “born that way” does not make you right. Unless, of course, there is no “right.”
Listen, I am all for being nice and respectful toward those who are different from us. Different is not the same thing as wrong and I teach that concept in almost every presentation I give; different is not wrong. But, I am careful to say, “but, wrong is wrong and there is right and wrong.” Gaga’s attitude of total acceptance seems good on the surface, but I am warning you, if our culture continues to embrace this idea, then right and wrong are out the window. Everything becomes relative, there are no lines to be drawn. We need to ask ourselves, where will it end? If Lady Gaga feels inclined to perform naked, who’s to stop her? If young people want to behave in certain ways because it makes them happy, do you have the right to stop them and tell them what they are doing is wrong? According to this theory, no. There are no absolutes, except of course the statement, “there are no absolutes.” That statement, I guess, is the exception.
My solution is this: Surrender to the idea that there is a rule giver. There is an almighty and perfect God who created the boundaries for our good and for His glory. He IS right. Here is my anti-bullying message, “Don’t be a jerk. Treat other people the way you want to be treated. Everyone is precious and valuable because they were made in the image of God and they deserve to be treated as such. Bullying is wrong and if you do it, there will be consequences.” See how easy that was? When we submit to the authority of our creator, everything else falls into place.
When we try to design and develop our own rules, things get really screwed up.
Why?
Because as Lady Gaga put it, none of us are perfect.
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Etiquette Woes
I recently received certification as an expert in American Business Etiquette from the American Business Etiquette Trainers Association. While I have practiced some etiquette techniques for years, I learned several new things through the hours of training in twenty different etiquette modules. I am now more convinced that etiquette is the key element in growing your business. The success of any business, large or small, hinges on relationships. Etiquette opens the door by helping you build rapport and immediate trust with others in business dealings.
However, to be perfectly honest, I am discovering that not all proper etiquette comes natural to me. It is a skill I must consciously practice with the hope it will become habit. What I love about the idea of etiquette and what continues to motivate me is that it truly is about putting others first. Studying the art of etiquette has given me appropriate tools for a professional environment to SHOW that I care. It is true you know? People do not care how much you know until they know how much you care.
If you have a desire to help people and to make a positive difference through your business, hobbies or other passions, then I believe you cannot ignore your good manners skill set. Good manners are tied to building good relationships and good relationships are tied to truly helping others grow and change.
“Let noting be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself.” Philippians 2:3
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4 Secrets to Effective Communication
I am currently in the process of studying proper business etiquette through the American Business Etiquette Trainers Association (ABETA). Today, the topic of training was on effective communication. As a personality trainer, I was intrigued by how closely their perspective related to the topic of personalities and character development.
Remember, highly successful people, in all types of professions, know this information and apply it!
Here are the four secrets to effective communication.
1) Effective communication is not about you. It is about others. Learn to listen and to suspend your thinking and judgement. ABETA calls this “self-forgetting.” I like that. However, this is easier said than done for me! My trainer also said something worth thinking about, “the listener is the one in control of the conversation.” If I can just learn to truly listen, I can turn and guide the conversation in a positive and productive way.
2) Effective communication is being aware of what other people understand you to say. In other words, you are actively perceiving what others are hearing you say. We have all been in a situation when our intentions or our words were misunderstood. As the effective communicator, it is your job to make sure they are getting you.
3) Effective communication is knowing and applying a conscious repertoire of effective nonverbal communication skills. Your body language, facial expressions, posture and gestures are ALWAYS saying more than your mouth. This is a skill I teach as a speaker trainer and one I have had to learn as a speaker.
4) Effective communication is about self-control and self-awareness. Surprise, surprise. Everything relating to personal growth, spiritual growth, character development and maturity boils down to these two things. One thing that stuck with me in the training today was that self-control and self-awareness are signs of a great leader. Technical skills alone will not help you get where you want to go, but practicing self-control and being self-aware certainly will.
All summed up, effective communication is this: speaking THEIR language. This is where being able to identify someone’ s personality and communication style is ever important. I’ll be discussing the connection in my newsletter at the end of this month! If you’ve never signed up, it’s totally free. Just go to my personal webpage and complete the form on the contact page.
Until next time, start listening.
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Bullying, Authority and Messed Up Kids
In a few days I will be speaking to 400 students at the junior high I attended in 6th-8th grade. In preparation I asked the teacher/student council advisor to answer a few questions. Her answers confirmed what I already knew; these kids lack respect for themselves and others and bullying has become a problem in my hometown as it has across the country. While bullying has ALWAYS existed, since the time Adam and Eve gave birth to Cain and Abel, it seems to be intensified by our obsession with technology.
Today I was doing research and found a pretty helpful and well written website on this very topic. http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/ It covers all types of bullying and has stats from years of research. The bottom line for me, however, is that the problem starts at home. As a parent of two myself, I would dare to say it is the most difficult, yet most rewarding job in the world. Our effectiveness as parents translates to every area of our child’s life…including how they treat their peers…face to face and through technology.
The biggest trend in bullying is through texting or online messaging (facebook). Kids (and adults) post ugly stuff, gossip, nasty pictures, all kinds of confrontational garbage just to make digs at someone they don’t like or want to cut down. Of course the worst thing is the impact all the meanness has on the victim…low self-esteem, depression, suicidal thoughts, and worse. But, I can’t help but want to scream…”if your child is being impacted negatively by online activity and texting gossip or sexting, TAKE IT AWAY!” Your 11 year old child will not die without a cell phone or access to facebook!” Children are not mentally or emotionally mature enough to handle what happens outside of your control. Protect them.
However, over half of all students are bullies themselves! If your child is the one posting the nasty pictures they take in a locker room, making digs at other kids and being mean, “TAKE THE PHONE AND THE COMPUTER AWAY.” Easy fix.
I’ll end by sharing a true story, changing the names and circumstances to protect the innocent…or in this case…not so innocent. A few weeks ago I was helping at a youth event and a teenager, I believe 8th or 9th grade, was jumping up and down on a pool table. I, being at least 15 years older than this youngster, walked in, saw what she was doing and asked her to get down. She stopped, looked at me and then casually said, “no, we do this all the time.” She then turned around and resumed her “play.” I was stunned. Had I EVER ignored, much less blatantly disobeyed an adult, I would have been in so much trouble! The truth is, it never crossed my mind I even had the option. Disregard for authority is a real problem. Never leads to a road of blissful happiness. I would guess a road of great struggle, difficulty and maybe even prison….really.
Take heart. Kindness can reign. People can be nice. Children can learn to listen and respect authority. IF we don’t give up and believe the lie that all is hopeless, all is not lost. God is in control. He knows and loves each of us. We just have to first learn to be obedient to Him and His authority and the rest will fall into place. I pray my children will see and learn how to be obedient and respectful to authority not just because I “make” them, but because they see the example in me.
Here is the link to the bullying website, again. Check it out.
http://www.bullyingstatistics.org/
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4 Steps to Resolutionize Your Life
If you are new here, welcome!
This month, my FREE Personality Newsletter was about how our personalities affect resolutions. This article offers great support for this topic
As I seek to grow this blog, one thing I’d like to start doing more is sharing good information I find. This article was written by a fellow Personality Trainer and Life Coach, Kathryn Robbins. Enjoy!
The Holidays have come and gone, and for some, so have our New Year resolutions. It doesn’t take long to fall off the wagon. Why is that? What are resolutions anyway?
According to a dictionary definition, resolution is:
1. the act or an instance of resolving
2. something resolved or determined; decision
3. a formal expression of opinion by a meeting, esp. one agreed by a vote
4. the act or process of separating something into its constituent parts or elements
Many times our “resolutions” are nothing more than good intentions, but if we look at the definition again, it gives us step for making real and lasting resolutions.
1. The act or an instance of resolving. Before you can resolve anything, there needs to be a problem. This requires taking a good look at where you are, how you got there and where you want to go. Looking back over past years is not a bad thing even if it is a bit painful. Adjustments are harder to make and have a greater failure rate if you have no idea where you are or where you want to go. The Cheshire Cat in Alice in Wonderland said it best, “If you don’t know where you’re going, any road will get you there.” The truth of the matter is each year builds on the other, so it’s logical to look back and take inventory.
Get out paper and a pencil and let’s make a few lists. Look back over the past year. In a word or two, describe how 2011 was for you?
2011 was ___________________.
Make two lists for these next questions, one for your business or career and one for the personal side of your life. Be honest as you formulate your answers. False humility or over inflated ego will not serve you well in this area, save that for the Oscars.
What are you MOST proud of accomplishing in 2011? Make a list of at least 5 things. Go ahead; pat yourself on the back. Chances are you worked hard for it.
What skills did you gain this year? Make a list of at least 5 things. The moment we stop learning, we stop growing, so – good job. Be proud of your accomplishments.
Where do you feel you blew it? Here’s where we will find our problem to resolve. Thomas Edison tested over 3000 filaments before he came up with his version of a practical light bulb, so let’s not think of blowing it as failure. We can look at it the same way Edison did, each time he tried and missed, he knew he was one step closer to finding the one that would work.
Our resolutions don’t have to be the same old ones everybody makes; lose weight, stop smoking, exercise more, yaddi-yaddi-yadda. Resolutions can also revolve around personal growth or relationships. Here’s where it is a good idea to know your personality type’s strengths and struggles. Let me give a typical problem for each personality type and show how personality strengths can aid learned skills in resolving personality problems or struggles.Click here to see chart.
Playful Sanguine: Problem – time management. If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard a Playful say, “I really need to get my act together,” I’d be a rich woman. One of the strengths of a Playful is their ability to be creative – add today’s technology and a Playful can get a handle on their schedule. Most cell phones have an ability to set an alarm; they can even be set to repeat at the same time each day. A little ringy-dingy goes a long way.
Powerful Choleric: Problem - too brash. Powerfuls value honesty, but blatant honesty is like a laser blast to the eyeball – too harsh. A natural strength of a Powerful is their ability to fix almost anything, coupled with the learned skill of tolerance; you could have a wise sage on your hands, one who has the ability to see the solution and the maturity to say it in a way that is helpful.
Proper Melancholic: Problem – self-centeredness. Propers desire perfection or something close to it and people mess up their plans, so they like to go it alone, making sure their work is right and not becoming overly concern if others fail by their own inabilities. Their natural strength is the ability to analyze – think it through – do the research, unite that with the learned skill of assisting others and the world would be a much better place.
Peaceful Phlegmatic: Problem – procrastination. “I was just going to do that.” I’m thinking not. Peacefuls are known for their patience and long suffering, and if that is partnered with the skill of good work ethics, we would see a character worth its weight in gold.
Each resolution needs a problem. Review your blew it list, pick one struggle and work through the next steps.
2. Something resolved or determined; decision. Now that we have taken a look back, let’s use that information to make a plan for moving forward. If we are lacking in resolve or determination about what we should do, or get talked into doing something that’s good for us, chances are we haven’t truly made the decision. It’s still just good intentions and the chance of success is greatly diminished.
Make an educated decision; know what you’re getting into. Be sure to listen to your heart as well, because our emotional needs will always win any power struggle waged in the subconscious mind. Feed the need and the rest will follow. Click here to see chart.
3. A formal expression of opinion by a meeting, esp. one agreed by a vote.We all have a friend who at some time or another planned to do something stupid, and more than likely we tried to talk them out of it. When we bounce our thoughts and ideas off other people, we benefit from their experience and knowledge as well as our own. If most of the people in your life are telling you “don’t do it” or “go for it,” chances are they see things you don’t see. We either don’t see clearly, because we are too close to the situation, or we want what we want and there’s no talking us out of it. There really is safety in numbers.
For me, I have found group life coaching to be a great tool for making goals and decisions. The women in my group care about each other, but aren’t all up in each other’s business. This gives freedom to share, try, fail or succeed without embarrassment.
4. The act or process of separating something into its constituent parts or elements. Now we are getting to the nuts and bolts of a resolution – the plan. With each resolution, ask yourself, “What does the process look like to me?” If you can see it, you can do it. If your plan is fuzzy, the outcome may stay out of focus for a long time.
Any successful plan needs clear, measurable goals. For instants, let’s say I want to be less brash, (I hear the cheers) what does that look like to me. First, I need to identify what brash looks like to others, seeing my brashness is more offensive to them than it is to me. Be brave; ask them what kinds of things are offensive. Be prepared to hear things you won’t like. Remember that’s how change works, but if nothing changes – nothing changes.
Then I will have to monitor my behavior to see where I get myself in trouble. Do I say brash things when I’m upset or is it my sense of humor that hits people wrong? Tune in and pay attention to how people react. Once this is identified, I need to “own” my behavior, admit that I do it, without blaming others for my actions and reactions. This can be very painful and humbling, but worth the journey. Now comes the hard part, catching myself before engaging in the troublesome behavior.
Were you able to see the “parts” or steps to my resolution?
Step 1- What needs to be resolved? My brashness.
Step 2 – Do I care? My decision – yes, I care. I want to change in order to have better relationships.
Step 3 – Find consensus and support. I ask for people’s opinions – painful, but liberating.
Step 4 – Break it down into parts, so it’s not so overwhelming. For example: Q-What’s the first physical action I’m going to take, to move me from the problem to the solution? A-Only blurt out half the advice I want to say. In time I will work my way up to only giving advice when asked.
Step 3 – Find consensus and support. I ask for people’s opinions – painful, but liberating.
Step 4 – Break it down into parts, so it’s not so overwhelming. For example: Q-What’s the first physical action I’m going to take, to move me from the problem to the solution? A-Only blurt out half the advice I want to say. In time I will work my way up to only giving advice when asked.
The first 30 days of a resolution are the most critical. It’s estimated that by January 2, more than half of the resolutions made on or before Jan 1, are broken. By January 3rd, another 10% will be abandoned and sad to say, by April 1st, 90 % of resolutions morph into half-hearted good intentions or regrets. It is vital to the success of any resolution to have clear measurable action steps in place during those first 30 days. In the immortal words ofThomas Jefferson, “Never put off tomorrow what you can do today.”The founding fathers of any nation had a huge resolution in front of them, follow in their “action steps” and change your world.
In a word, how do I see 2012? Resolutionary!
To your success!
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Kathryn Robbins, Certified Personality Trainer, Life Coach, Speaker and President of Personality Principles LLC, who has helped hundreds of people find the missing pieces to their relationship issues, by understanding personality strengths, struggles and emotional needs. Kathryn is available for speaking and training events as well as private coaching sessions. Visit the website for more information www.personalityprinciples.com.
Take the FREE personality profile.
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Jaclyn Rowe is a Personality Expert and National Speaker. Information on speaking topics and booking may be found at www.jaclynrowe.com.
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REPRESENT
Point number one: Your reputation matters. In professional environments we call this personal branding. In family circles we call this the family name. In church or spiritual environments we call this representation. Regardless the angle, having a good name is valuable.
A good name is to be chosen rather than great riches, loving favor rather than silver and gold. Proverbs 22:1
What others know about you, what others think about you, and what others think they know about you matters. If I hear one more teenager say, “I don’t care what people think about me.” I’m going to scream. Not true. Above all other people on planet earth, teenagers care, deeply, about what others think. Ever heard of peer pressure? And so do you and so do I. Let’s not be so dishonest.
And here’s the thing, point number two: we should care. A good name is to be chosen…
You have to want a good reputation and make choices that reflect that desire in order to make it happen. Now, to be clear, I do not base my worldview, moral beliefs and standards on what others think. However, I do think it is crucial for success and living a life of significance that I strive to develop into a woman of unquestionable character and integrity. What I desire is that my reputation or my “personal brand” matches or lines up with what I claim to believe. For example, what if I claim that I believe it is important for people to take good care of themselves physically, to eat right, to stay in shape, and to live a healthy lifestyle; and then you see me 100 pounds overweight and snacking on a coke and french fries? You would think one of two things: either I no longer believe what I claim or I am a hypocrite. And in that moment, I have lost your respect and any ability I may have had to encourage you to believe and pursue a healthy lifestyle as well.
If we are going to make claims and state our beliefs it is crucial that we follow through. Don’t even make the claim if you can’t back it up with your life. If you want potential employers, colleagues, even friends and family to respect you, to trust you and to care about what your ideas, then you need to present yourself in a way that matches your desires.
When I spoke to about 150 teen girls last week, I focused on three areas that dramatically impact your reputation: modesty, manners and the mouth.
Like it or not, immodest dress sends so many wrong messages, it just isn’t worth it. Cover up.
Manners such as saying please and thank you, sharing, taking turns, opening doors, going last, greeting people, knowing how to introduce yourself and others, etc. go a long way toward building trust with people. Proper etiquette goes beyond just saying that you care about someone to actually showing it. And we all know the saying, “actions speak louder than words.” Or do they?
That brings me to the last focus area, your mouth. This is a tough one for me because I genuinely like to talk and sometimes in speaking all those words, I say things I should not. There is a Proverb that says, “A fool vents all his feelings, but a wise man holds them back.” The ability to control your mouth and to speak only things that help or encourage is a powerful, beautiful skill. As your mama used to say, “if you can’t say anything nice, then don’t say anything at all.” Good advice.
Personally, all of this comes together under an umbrella of understanding that my life is not about me. (Note: Convincing teenagers – and many adults – that all of life is not about them is quite a task in and of itself and they are not likely to begin caring about modesty, manners or their mouth as long as they continue believing the world revolves around them.) Rather, I get it that I represent my business, my clients, my family, my community, my faith and my heavenly Father. How I dress, how I treat other people, and how I speak not only reflects on me, but on them.
A good name is founded on a selfless attitude.
Reputation matters and we should care.
Are You at Peace?
For the first time, I have a child old enough to understand what is going on at Christmas time. The last three years, he was just too young to really put all the pieces together, but this year he has been full of questions and excitement, much to my delight. We have discussed all of the different parties we’ll attend, gifts we need to buy and cookies to bake. We have marked the advent calendar for important dates and the countdown has been on! He nervously told Santa want he wants – actually he panicked and repeated what his older cousin wants – and is eager to know when packages with his name are going to appear under the tree. But, as I write this, he is napping and when he wakes I’ll be dressing him head to toe in a shepherd costume for our church Christmas program. More important than anything else to me is that he understands, as best he can at barely age four, the purpose of Christmas.
I am so thrilled to have the opportunity to meet with a group of young women one hour every week to learn, grow and share. The last three weeks, we have been examining the Purpose of Christmas using Rick Warren’s study by the same name. It is a fantastic little book, study guide and DVD set. I have been reminded and refreshed as we have taken a few minutes to reflect. Here are the three purposes of Christmas as outlined in the book.
1) Celebration! Bring on the parties! When the angel appeared to the shepherds the night Jesus was born, the angel said “Fear not, for behold I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all people…” Christmas is a time to be merry. That is why I participate at full force, baking cookies, having guests, attending parties, dressing up, eating sweet treats, singing all kinds of Christmas songs, watching as many Hallmark movies and Christmas classics as possible, wrapping gifts, decorating and loving every minute! (sing it with me now) …cel…e…brate good times…come on! I would encourage those of you who are resisting the hype to go with it. Christmas is about the fact that God loves us and came to earth to prove it. If you have a relationship with God and have experienced the joy spiritual life brings day in and day out, you should have no problem celebrating!
2) Salvation! The angel continued…”for there is born to you this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord….” The second purpose of Christmas is salvation.
I know some readers found this blog because I frequently speak on the topics of personalities, leadership and entrepreneurship and you read for information on those topics. I thank you! However, before I was ever a speaker, author and personality trainer, I was a Christian or follower of Christ. And Christmas is the perfect time to talk about it. So, I would be a hypocrite and a liar to act like I think Christmas is just about spending money, gathering family and eating way too much. For me, it truly is a special time of year and I MUST share.
I have no idea why you put up a tree. I put up a tree and place a star on top because Christ was born. Christ was born because we, the human race, need a Savior. Someone to rescue us. From what? From ourselves. From our messed up ideas and actions that leave us hurt, broken, empty, frustrated, confused, bitter and hopeless. If you and I did not NEED a Savior, I hardly think God would have gone to all the trouble to come! In one of the DVD’s Rick Warren put it this way, the solution to your problems is not in a program or a place or a pill, but in a person. I have found that to be so true. Without Christ, I would be nothing. I wouldn’t even know where to begin. He gives my life purpose and I am so thankful to have a Savior.
3)Reconciliation! The end of the angel’s speech…”peace on earth, goodwill toward men.” We hear that line all the time. Did you know the Angel of the Lord is the one who said it to sheep herders who were out in a field the night Jesus was born? Shepherds. Seriously? Why not appear to the authorities? Alert the media! God’s ways are not like ours. Anyway, the third purpose of Christmas is peace or reconciliation. To quote from the Purpose of Christmas:
There will be no peace on earth until there is peace in nations.
There will be no peace in nations until there is peace in communities.
There will be no peace in communities until there is peace in families.
There will be no peace in families until there is peace in individuals.
There will be no peace in individuals until there is peace with God.
Are you at peace with God? That is the ultimate question. I’ll ask it again. Are YOU at PEACE with God?
If you are not at peace with your creator, then I’ll go out on a limb here and say you are at war with Him. You are fighting an internal battle and at the core of who you are, there is no peace. You know it, and I know it because I have been there.
When Jesus, the Prince of Peace, grew up, He said, “I am the way, the truth and the life and no one comes to the Father except through me.” Jesus was born so that we may have a way to be reconciled to God. Jesus was born to lay down is life for you. He took the punishment for the mess you have made. He paid for it on the cross so that you could have peace with God. This Christmas, the greatest gift you can receive is God’s grace. Believe, have faith in what Christ has done and in who He is and you will find peace.
And then, “goodwill toward men.” Reconcile to God first and then you can reconcile your differences with others. Who do you need to make peace with in your family or amongst your friends? Oh boy, that’s a tough one. No better time than Christmas.
Hmmm…now this sounds like a topic on relationships. More to come my friends….
Merry Christmas.
It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the year…except when it’s not.
Personalities: the good, the bad, and the downright ugly
(excerpt from my monthly newsletter – November 2011)
If you have attended a Wired that Way training, then you may recall me saying that any strength you have, carried to the extreme, becomes a weakness. I’d like to show you how people can quickly transform from Christmas angel into a person so difficult to deal with, you could scream. Allow me to introduce you to each personality functioning in three different modes: the good, the bad and the ugly.
The good
Popular or playful Sanguine will be the life of all your holiday parties. Living in their strengths, they are much desired as party guests, are sure to entertain the crowd, contribute creative desserts and keep the mood light and joyful. They love to go Christmas shopping, hang shiny objects from ceiling to floor and live to tell about it all. Truly a magnetic person.
Perfect or Proper Melancholy is the best at making the holiday plans. They make the lists and check them twice. They are sure to schedule ahead, know how to get things done and thrive when working alone on their various projects. Melancholies desire a perfect execution of their plans and are sensitive to making sure their gifts and ideas are truly meaningful.
Powerful Choleric thrives on all they are able to accomplish during such a busy season. Their ability to make quick decisions serves them well when stores are crowded and the shopping list is long. They are great at pulling things together on the fly while making it appear as though they have been planning for months.
Peaceful Phlegmatic takes a more mellow approach to the holiday madness. They view the season as a time to relax, eat, drink and be merry. They don’t want to stress during a time when peace on earth should reign. Their easygoing nature serves them well as they don’t tend to over-think gifts and are tuned into the reason for the season. They are cooperative and pleasant at family gatherings, enjoying every minute as long as chaos is avoided and they aren’t forced to play attention-getting games.
The bad
When people have never been introduced to the personality topic, they are much more likely to function off balance in terms of strengths and weaknesses. If their strengths were honed, you would be impressed, but instead they take their strengths a bit too far. Carried away and lost in their own good intentions, some people begin behaving in ways that drive others crazy. The annoying part is the complete lack of self-awareness which most people define as immaturity. And so, the most wonderful time of the year takes a bad turn.
Popular or Playful Sanguine will often default into using the sheer charm and wit of their personality to get their way, control the conversation and skip holiday “chores”. They talk too much, become too loud and too wild for some party guests. Their love for shopping easily translates into irrational spending. After Christmas, this personality often discovers shocking balances on their credit cards and will realize they spent way more than they originally intended.
Perfect or Proper Melancholy may become paralyzed if their schedule is thrown off. They want everything and everyone to be perfect. Their entire focus can shift from the people whom they have planned for, to perfecting the tasks at hand. Generally, their expectations go unmet and they are slightly, if not completely, disappointed. So, they tend to avoid getting too personal and instead focus on physical needs and sticking to the plan.
Powerful Choleric takes over. They categorize holidays as deadlines and will not wait for others to get with the program. They will decide for everyone what, when and how things should happen. If you buck their authority, they will be mad at you regardless of the fact that many of their choices were made impulsively. During the busy season of holiday preparation, they will work beyond the norm in order to accomplish more than should be humanly possible.
Peaceful Phlegmatic gives up. In order to avoid conflict and maintain peace, the phlegmatic will often compromise their standards and allow others to decide. They hide their emotions and default to idleness giving the “I don’t care” or “whatever” answer for most everything.
The Ugly
This is how the cycle of bad behavior ruins your Christmas party. As people function outside of their natural strengths, (the bad) they begin to feel the weight of unmet emotional needs. Why? Well, who wants to offer praise to the out-of-control Sanguine? Who wants to applaud the Choleric who has become a drill Sergeant or the rigid Melancholy who has everyone walking on egg shells? Who is going to respect the lazy, apathetic attitude of the phlegmatic? No one. And so, emotional needs go unmet, and bad behavior becomes downright ugly and you can no longer stand these people.
Now, the popular or playful sanguine is acting like a complete fool. Because of their insecurities, they absolutely cannot stop talking and may even begin to model a con artist, scheming and plotting against their enemies. They often become a true party animal in their quest to find acceptance, attention, affection and approval.
Ugly for the melancholy looks a whole lot like obsessed. They become obsessed over every detail, nitpicking and criticizing continually. Their negative attitude doesn’t exactly welcome friendly conversation, so they tend to withdraw and become antisocial. All of this because they feel no one understands, nor could they.
The choleric’s ugly side is a mean one. Their temper is ever present, easily set off and they become irrational. Focused on power and control, they act like a dictator and will manipulate conversations and others’ feelings in order to win. And, can you say WORKAHOLIC?
Out of control, the peaceful phlegmatic is extremely stubborn. They won’t budge, won’t make any decisions and they seemingly block out all feelings. They easily become a pawn who feels completely disrespected and unworthy, and who deep down is harboring a ton of resentment.
Oh, my. Does this really happen? All the time. I see it everywhere. In families, businesses, churches, lines at the grocery store, you name it. People are so out of touch with who they are and who they are meant to be, that they operate in total dysfunction.
Sometimes, I get there myself.
The key is self-awareness; understanding what needs to grow and what needs to go and then doing something about it. I hope this Christmas, you will be aware of how your personality affects your perspective and that perhaps, that knowledge alone, will birth positive results.
Afterall, this is the most wonderful time of the year.
What is wrong with people?!
I have been traveling this week and am utterly amazed by how many people obviously hate their job and, more importantly, appear to hate people as well. Ordering a meal from a fast food restaurant, I didn’t know whether I should laugh, cry or start lecturing the young lady attempting to take my order. She was clearly unconcerned about how I felt about her or if I ever returned to that restaurant again.
A few months ago, I joined a teleconference call hosted by a so-called professional in my industry who makes the big bucks. After a long introduction which included all of this impressive credentials, he had my full attention and admiration. I was taking notes like crazy, so thrilled with the opportunity to gain his insight. And then, with regret in his voice, he decided to tell the listeners that the best way to get into this particular speaking market was to lie on our cover letters. Just lie. Really? Red flags starting flying and the internal dialogue began in my mind…
Was any part of that amazing introduction of yours true? Are you really speaking from experience and giving us valuable insight, or am I now involved in a big marketing scheme designed to convince me to purchase whatever audio or e-book you will surely have for sale at the end of this call. Hang up, Jaclyn.
And so, I did.
If you have a desire to influence the world around you in a positive way, then please — for heaven’s sake — pay attention to what I am about to say. The way you present yourself to the world around you matters. Your attitude, your dress, your behavior, your character, all of it matters.
If you can master the art of proper etiquette, you will set yourself apart from the crowd of rude and crude people. If you can establish a solid personal brand that rings true, you will earn respect and become a person others want to follow. And if you can back up your acts of etiquette and your attempts at creating a personal brand with the aggressive and continual development of genuine character; now that would really be something!
Here are the three layers described, beginning with the most shallow down to the nitty-gritty.
1) Proper Etiquette – Just be nice. For whatever reason, manners have become a lost art. Many people, often it seems those working in public service, are painfully bad at using good manners. I personally thank my mother and Grandma Beverly for teaching me to say “please” and “thank you” and to take turns and to smile and to do my best to make others feel comfortable. And then, I thank Sue Thompson, the author of etiquettedog.com, a blog on the subject. I met Sue years ago at a conference, and when she spoke I realized how true and how important behavior, image and presentation really are, regardless of how we feel about it.
Did you know there is a right way to present your business card, to introduce yourself and others, to write and send e-mails, to eat, to make conversation, to set a table, etc.? Etiquette is not just an art, but a science that yields results. People learn quickly to trust you and your business when you consistently practice proper etiquette. And, the ironic part, since very few people still do, you easily set yourself up as the example.
2) Personal Branding – Who do others think you are? Your personal brand is basically your reputation or what is left in the room when you leave. You can easily determine your current personal brand by asking people what words they would use to describe you. The four or five words you hear most represent your brand. Scary thought? The key to branding is getting people to say about you what you want them to say about you. Now, here is the ironic thing about branding: a few years ago, we wore different faces. At work, we put on our work face and did the work thing. At school, we put on the student face and the two could look very different. For example, someone may have been a real jerk of a student and a great employee. However, technology and this crazy thing called social media has changed all that. You can no longer be different people in one body. (I don’t recommend that anyway. How exhausting.) You are you, period.
People who are business and life savvy, are the same regardless of where they are physically or online. If you want a strong personal brand, the facebook “you” should match the work, student, mom, daughter, church worker, whatever, “you”. As a rule of thumb, especially if you are an entrepreneur, young person or an out-of-a-job person, if you wouldn’t put it on your resume or job application, then don’t put it on the world wide web. Protect your reputation, therby protecting your brand.
P.S. – For years I spoke for Monster.com, and one thing I’ll never forget learning and presenting to students is that employers work really hard and spend a ton of money developing their brand and company image. The last thing they want to do is hire an employee who will taint that image. So, if your image doesn’t really match up with theirs, forget it.
3) Character: who you are when no one is looking. Your personal brand may be who others think you are, but your character reveals the truth about who you are. My pastor recently said, “character is who God and your spouse know you are.” Without solid character, it won’t be long before the truth about how you fake etiquitte and present a fake image will surface.
Remember, you were not born with perfect character. Think about how your sweet little baby decided one day to smack you in the face, and a couple years later lie to you about who put the doll in the toilet. Did you teach them those things? Of course not. We are born messed up. Character must be developed through conscious decision making andaction.
A few years ago, I was introduced to a children’s character development book entitled, “Eight Keys to a Better Me.” In the book, eight character traits are listed: Honesty, Respect, Patriotism, Kindness, Courage, Responsibility, Feelings and Self-Worth. While written for children, I realized they still applied to me. Which ones do you truly possess and which ones need some work?
The girl taking my order at Captain D’s severely lacked etiquette, represented the brand of her employer terribly, and therefore, I assumed — right or wrong — she was lacking in character. The “professional” hosting the teleconference clearly knew and applied proper etiquette and was a master at personal branding; I had cleared my calendar for this call and had a credit card ready! However, he lacked character. See, it takes a whole person who is real, authentic and full of purpose to truly make a positive impact.
As the new year approaches, I am taking time to examine myself, again, and see what else needs transformed. I’m re-studying the timeless principles of etiquette, working weekly on establishing a solid personal brand and daily on developing the weaknesses in my character. Transformation is tough.
So, to answer my own question, what is wrong with people?! We don’t want to look in the mirror and examine ourselves. We don’t really want to change because we see don’t want to have to admit we are flawed, wrong, or messed up. We don’t want to say, “I need to change this,” much less actually do it.
Listen — be ye transformed.
